The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt   p-u-t   or   p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."



One day Boat was dining with a lady friend for the umpteenth time and after desert, feeling they should get on more intimate terms he turned and said;

"I must be honest with you, I am a golfing fanatic"

After a brief pause his lady friend said

"Then I must be honest with you too, I am a hooker"

"Not to worry" said Boat, Just move your right hand round the grip a little"





Rules for Club Selection

• Even if it's a 5-iron, the lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit

• Everyone turns in a 2-iron, but you can kiss that wedge good-bye

• Funny-looking putters have short life spans

• If you have to keep the cart on the cart path, unless you take every single one of your clubs over to your ball, you won't have the right club

• If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as John Daly does, simply play to lay up just short of a water hazard

• It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing

• Its the right club, but you decide it's the wrong club

• It's the right club, but you think it might be too little club so you try to kill it, or it might be too much club, so you quit on the shot

• It's the wrong club

• Never ask the pro if you need a new set of clubs

• Never buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it

• Never hit trick shots with demo clubs

• Nothing cools off a putter quicker than a hot driver

• The best thing about a 60-degree wedge is it's a great club for getting the ball out of the lies you're going to end up in if you're dumb enough to use a 60-degree wedge

• The best thing about hybrids is that no one can tell that your 150-yard club used to be a wood, not an iron

• The best way to cause the reappearance of a club lost on the course is to order a replacement

• The reason those fancy wedges are so expensive is they come with a free case of the shanks

• The straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short

• The week after you break down and buy one of those super-duper new drivers, they'll knock a hundred bucks off the price and release a brand new model with a better shaft and a bigger head

• When in doubt, just ask yourself, What would Tiger hit?, and use six more clubs

• When someone asks what club you hit, always subtract one or add two

• When you're between clubs, it's always the other club, unless it's the other other club

• You can hit the ball 30 yards with any club in the bag

• You can't hit decent tee shots with a 3-wood unless you carry a driver you never use

• You haven't really hit bottom until you need to get your ball retriever regripped

• You really need only four clubs to hit every bad shot in golf

Q: Why are Monica Lewinski... OJ Simpson... Ted Kennedy...& Bill Clinton the worst golf foursome in the world?A: Monica is a hooker... OJ is a slicer... Kennedy can't drive over water...& Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.

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Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK

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The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body. They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?""Yes," he replied."Did you kill her?""Yes, he replied.""It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?""Yes," he replied, "...but put me down for a five."

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The following is an actual dispatch from the Associated Press

"WAUSAU, Wis. (AP) -- A golfer had 13 drinks before he tripped on his golf spikes and fell face first onto a brick path outside a clubhouse, breaking his jaw and shattering his teeth. But an appeals court Tuesday said the course was mostly at fault, for leaving gaps in the bricks.

"Dale L. Larson -- who needed nine root canals, 23 crowns and had his jaw wired shut for months -- was awarded $41,540 in damages even though his own lawyer said it was rare for a drunk person to win a negligence case.

"The appeals court upheld a trial judge's ruling that Indianhead Golf and Recreation Inc. of Mosinee was 51 percent negligent because of its terra-lock brick ramp that led from the clubhouse bar.

"Larson, wearing his golf spikes, fell on the ramp as he left the bar the night of May 16, 1990.

"A doctor testified Larson was in a stupor, with a blood-alcohol level of 0.28 percent 90 minutes after the accident. But Larson said he was not significantly impaired by the eight beers and five mixed drinks he had over a period of six hours before the accident.

"Larson's golfing partner, a former president of the golf club, testified that he noticed nothing unusual with Larson's demeanor or balance."

CEGS Wives (Fighting to get their hands on a shaft)

Nae Problem - parking the car at Delhi Golf Club !! (Who put the extra golf bag on the back?)

Click on the following photos to enlarge

           

 

Funny but TRUE !

At the golf course at Richmond, Surrey,on May 25, 1957, an actor holed in one from the eighth tee. Later on the same day a lawyer holed in one from the sixth tee. Both golfers were named Edward Chapman.

 

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

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