Profound Quotes!

Over the years I've read some very interesting and at times true quotes, some are listed below for your contemplation:

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made my horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilt spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, are you part of the precipitate?
I have a very rare photograph; it's a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards, I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you need to use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once... or was it twice?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to San Francisco and found someone's heart.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I got some NHS spectacles, I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there.
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
Who invented the cordless extension cord?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.